I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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