I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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