tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Randomize
