like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
