i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
