dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
