There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Randomize
