I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
