I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
