Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize