we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
