In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
