Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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