No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
