just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
