So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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