I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
