Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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