A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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