If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
