nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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