On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I wish I only lived at night.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Randomize
