I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
