i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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