you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
Randomize
