I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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