Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Randomize
