I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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