Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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