She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
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