I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Randomize
