You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
it's like heaven, but drunker
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
