I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
