I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize