god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
pop tarts are not kleenex
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
