That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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