She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
