Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
