tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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