i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
