Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Welp...herpes.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
