so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
