Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Bring me that man meat
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize