there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
found out what b.m.t stands for.
what did you think?
bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub.
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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