JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
