I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Randomize
