now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
