I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
