He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
