When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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