I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
