have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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