He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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