Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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