Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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