she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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